Hehe.. Essay
You Can’t Erase The Pain Away
What feels like swirls of big and small ames circulate behind the
sliver bit of space behind the nerves of my spine. It’s never-ending.
I inched at the familiar smell of his cologne reminding me of the
hot breath from his exhale softly blowing against my nape. The
thoughts in my mind couldn’t comprehend the feelings that had
not yet faded. I knew that I should take the little steps for myself,
but I carelessly chose what felt like the simpler alternative.
However, I did not realize that this would lead my inner voice to get
quieter and quieter.
It was Wednesday, March 29, 2022, the third trimester of
seventh grade. All of the students were walking to their buses after
a long day of classes, excited for the 4-day-weekend ahead.
Personally, it didn’t matter much to me‒ a weekend is a weekend.
What I was excited about was that my boyfriend and I were walking
together. Let’s call him Jimmy. Jimmy and I have been a couple for
3 months, and walking to our buses together was our nonverbal
way of saying goodbye. His company was very special to me.
Suddenly, Jimmy stops. He hesitantly speaks in a mumbling voice
with a hint of guilt.
“Hey, I’ve got something important to say… Can we be friends?”
I felt a wave of shock reverberate through my chest, and my eyes
widened as the words started to sink in. It felt like my heart got
crushed by a slow, hard, and heavy weight of gravity. I thought that
we were in a good place with each other, but I suppose he
apparently thought otherwise. I felt as though I had to rush in order
to answer his prompt, worried that I wouldn't make it to my bus on
time, so I quickly agreed without a second to process what just
happened.
“Oh, yeah! Sure, we can be friends!” I said, with a smile as if
everything was okay. He sighed with relief, and his stiness melted
as he hugged me.
“Thanks for understanding,” he said before walking towards his
bus, maintaining his focus ahead. He didn’t even look back once.
My feet slowly made their way up the stairs of the bus. When I
sat down next to the window, I couldn’t suppress my emotions. I
quietly sobbed during the bus ride, trying my best to not attract
attention. My voice hued softly, delicate whispers of despair. I
bawled my eyes out like raindrops that downpour from the gloomy
sky. I realized that I’ve been left with two options. One option is
adjusting to be his friend and the second is to go through an
emotional journey of grief, and I didn't know which I’d have to pick.
Throughout time, the pain of heartbreak hasn't left me
permanently. Yet, it wasn’t as intense as it was two years ago. My
mind was in a state where words couldn’t capture the depth of my
inner emotions to even speak aloud, and yet I still drew my pencil
on my paper in an attempt to write my words. Even a misspelling
can’t be erased completely. It just exists as an imprint that can’t be
removed. It stays as a reminder of what could have been.