The lazy pathetic sloth
Jeremy was a sloth. Like most sloths, he was an absolutely useless and
pathetic buoon.
He never did anything worthwhile, all he did was sleep and eat.
Sometimes simultaneously.
Jeremy, however, was discontented with his miserable life.
One day, while he was absentmindedly getting very fat, he decided to
actually do something. This, you must understand, was a revolutionary
idea amongst sloths, who were accustomed to the monotonous routine
of their lives.
Eat, sleep. Eat, sleep. Die.
This was the way of the sloth.
Archaeologists have discovered evidence that once, long ago, the sloth
was a truly majestic beast - enormous and powerful.
Over the millennia, however, evolution carried out a cruel and
denigrating joke on sloth-kind.
They grew lazier and lazier, fatter and fatter, and there was no end to
their subjugation under the more competent members of the natural
order.
Jeremy, that sunny afternoon, channeled the great memory of his
ancestors, through he, of course, had no memory to remember them
with.
He was a stupid, miserable fool.
But he was about to do something that would leave the world in shock.
Something that would shift the paradigm of things so drastically that
the jungle would never be the same.
Jeremy decided to go for a walk.
It was a horrible thing to watch. His morbidly obese frame, gradually,
with much groaning and gnashing of teeth, sat up.
He tried, all but in vain, to bring his abby body up into a standing
position.
This was the most adventurous thing he'd ever done.
After several hours, he had ALMOST succeeded in raising his body the
necessary four and a half inches.
Then, he fell into a deep slumber, the utter emptiness of his mind
interrupted only by the sort of primitive, stupid dreams that a primitive,
stupid creature can dream.
Jeremy dreamed of McDonalds. Jeremy dreamed, like a dragon, of vast
piles of donuts, hamburgers, and unvaried mountains of butter.
Jeremy smiled his idiotic smile, his beady little eyes twinkling with a
sad, sad happiness.
Three days later, Jeremy awoke.
His dream had slowly shifted into a nightmare, a process, that, due to
the extreme slothfulness of his sloth thoughts, had taken literally over a
day.
The mountains of butter had melted away, and Jeremy was too fat to
chase them, even with their glacial speed.
Jeremy had screamed his slow-motion scream, a guttural cry of pure
anguish unlike anything ever heard by human ears.
He felt fatter than he had ever felt in his life.
His ancestors had dreamed of conquering the world, of becoming great
and mighty kings, of sailing the vast, unknowable seas.
Jeremy's dreams were absolutely pitiful in comparison.
Again, Jeremy began the majestic eort to bring the three hundred
pounds of his two-foot tall body to an upright position.
As he groaned, sweaty with the miserable exhaustion that such
vigorous exercise drenched his feeble frame with, he had a thought.
This was rare.
Jeremy's thought had meandered through the utterly empty caverns of
his wrinkled brain for years.
It was just now emerging.
"Hamburgers," Jeremey thought.
This was a good idea.