N e v e r L e t M e G oK a z u o I s h i g u r oF ro m t h e acclai m ed a u t h or of “T h e Re m a i n s of t h e D a y” a n d “W h e n We WereO r p h a n s,” a m ovi n g n ew n ovel t h a t s u b tly rei m agi n es o u r world a n d ti m e i n ah a u n t i n g story of frie n d s h i p a n d love.As a c h ild, K a t h y–n ow t h ir ty-o n e yea rs old–lived a t H a ils h a m , a p riva te sc h ooli n t h e sce n ic E n glis h co u n t ryside w h ere t h e c h il d re n were s h eltered fro m t h eo u tside world, b ro u g h t u p to believe t h a t t h ey were special a n d t h a t t h eirwell-bei ng w as cr u cial n ot o n l y for t h e m selves b u t for t h e society t h ey wo u ldeve n t u a lly e n ter. K a t h y h a d lo n g ago p u t t h is i d yllic p ast b e h i n d h er, b u tw h e n two of h er H a ils h a m frie n ds com e b ac k i n to h er life, s h e stops resisti ngt h e p u ll of m e m ory.A n d so, as h er frie n d s h i p wit h R u t h is re k i n dled, a n d as t h e feeli ngs t h a tlo n g ago f u eled h er a dolesce n t cr u s h o n Tom m y b egi n to deepe n i n to love,K a t h y recalls t h eir yea rs a t H a ils h a m . S h e describes h a p p y sce n es of boysa n d girls grow i n g u p toget h er, u n pert u r bed–eve n co m for ted–b y t h eirisol a tio n . B u t s h e describes ot h er sce n es as well: of discor d a n dm is u n derst a n d i n g t h a t h i n t a t a d a r k secret b e h i n d H a ils h a m's n u r t u ri n gfaca de. W it h t h e d a w n i n g cl a rity of h i n d sig h t, t h e t h ree frie n ds are co m pelledto face t h e t r u t h a bo u t t h eir c h il d h ood–a n d a bo u t t h eir lives n ow.A t ale of decep tive si m plicity, “Never Let M e G o” slowly reveals a nex t r aor di n a ry e m otio n a l dep t h a n d reso n a n ce–a n d t a k es its place a m o ngK a z u o Is h ig u ro's fi n est wor k . N e v e r L e t M e G oA n o v e l b yK a z u o I s h i g u r oTo Lorn a a n d N aomi E ngl a n d, la te 1 9 9 0sP a r t O n eC h a p t e r O n eM y n a m e is K a t h y H . I'm t h ir ty-o n e yea rs old, a n d I've bee n a ca rer n ow forover eleve n yea rs. T h a t so u n ds lo n g e n o u g h , I k n ow, b u t a ct u a lly t h ey w a n tm e to go o n for a n ot h er eigh t m o n t h s, u n t il t h e e n d of t h is yea r. T h a t'll m a k eit al most ex actly twelve yea rs. Now I k n ow m y b ei n g a ca rer so lo n g is n'tn ecessa rily beca u se t h ey t h i n k I'm fa n t astic a t w h a t I do. T h ere are som ere a lly good ca rers w h o've bee n told to stop after j u st two or t h ree yea rs. A n d Ic a n t h i n k of o n e ca rer a t least w h o we n t o n for a ll of fo u r tee n yea rs despiteb ei n g a co m plete waste of sp ace. So I'm n ot t r yi n g to boast. B u t t h e n I dok n ow for a fact t h ey've bee n pleased wit h m y wor k , a n d b y a n d l a rge, I h avetoo. M y do n ors h ave alw a ys te n ded to do m u c h better t h a n ex pected. T h eirrecovery ti m es h ave bee n i m p ressive, a n d h a r d ly a n y of t h e m h ave bee nclassified as “agit a ted,” eve n before fo u r t h do n a tio n . O k a y, m a y be I a mboa sti ng n ow. B u t it m ea n s a lot to me, b ei n g a ble to do m y wor k well,especially t h a t bit a bo u t m y do n ors st a yi n g “cal m .” I've developed a k i n d ofi n sti n ct a ro u n d do n ors. I k n ow w h e n to h a n g a ro u n d a n d co mfort t h e m ,w h e n to leave t h e m to t h e m selves; w h e n to liste n to ever y t h i n g t h ey h ave tos a y, a n d w h e n j u st to s h r u g a n d tell t h e m to s n a p o u t of it.A n y w a y, I'm n ot m a k i n g a n y b ig clai m s for m yself. I k n ow ca rers, wor k i ngn ow, w h o are j u st as good a n d d o n't get h a lf t h e credit. If yo u're o n e of t h e m ,I c a n u n derst a n d h ow yo u m ig h t get rese n tf u l–a bo u t m y bedsit, m y ca r,a bove a ll, t h e w ay I get to pic k a n d c hoose w h o I loo k after. A n d I'm aH a ils h a m st u de n t–w h ic h is e n o u g h b y itself so m eti m es to get people's b ac k su p. K a t h y H ., t h ey s a y, s h e gets to pic k a n d c hoose, a n d s h e alw a ys c hoosesh er ow n k i n d : people fro m H a ils h a m , or o n e of t h e ot h er p rivileged est a tes.No wo n der s h e h a s a gre a t recor d. I've h e a r d it s a id e n o u g h , so I'm s u re yo u've h e a r d it p le n t y more, a n d m a y be t h ere's so m et h i n g i n it. B u t I'm n ott h e first to be allowed to pic k a n d c hoose, a n d I do u b t if I'll be t h e last. A n da n y w a y, I've do n e m y s h a re of loo k i n g after do n ors b ro u g h t u p i n every k i n dof place. B y t h e ti m e I fi n is h , re m e m ber, I'll h ave do n e twelve yea rs of t h is,a n d it's o n l y for t h e last six t h ey've let m e c hoose.A n d w h y s h o u l d n't t h ey? C a rers a re n't m a c h i n es. Yo u t ry a n d do yo u r bestfor every do n or, b u t i n t h e e n d, it wears yo u dow n . Yo u d o n't h ave u n li m ite dp a tie n ce a n d e n ergy. So w h e n yo u get a c h a n ce to c hoose, of co u rse, yo uc hoose yo u r ow n k i n d . T h a t's n a t u r a l. T h ere's n o w ay I co u ld h ave go n e o nfor as lo n g as I h ave if I'd stop ped feeli ng for m y do n ors every step of t h e w ay.A n d a n y w a y, if I'd n ever st a rted c h oosi n g, h ow wo u ld I ever h ave got closeaga i n to R u t h a n d Tom m y after a ll t h ose ye a rs?B u t t h ese d a ys, of co u rse, t h ere are fewer a n d fewer do n ors left w h o Ire m e m ber, a n d so i n p r actice, I h a ve n't bee n c h oosi n g t h a t m u c h . As I s a y,t h e wor k gets a lot h a r der w h e n yo u d o n't h ave t h a t deeper li n k wit h t h edo n or, a n d t h o u g h I'll m iss b ei n g a ca rer, it feels j u st a bo u t r ig h t to befi n is h i n g a t last com e t h e e n d of t h e ye a r.R u t h , i n ci d e n t a lly, w as o n l y t h e t h ir d or fo u r t h do n or I got to c hoose. S h ea lre a d y h a d a ca rer a ssign ed to h er a t t h e ti m e, a n d I re m e m ber it t a k i n g a bitof n erve o n m y p a rt. B u t i n t h e e n d I m a n aged it, a n d t h e i n st a n t I sa w h eraga i n , a t t h a t recovery ce n tre i n D over, a ll o u r differe n ces–w h ile t h ey d i d n'tex actly va n is h–see m ed n ot n e a rly as i m por t a n t as a ll t h e ot h er t h i n gs: li k et h e fact t h a t we'd grow n u p toget h er a t H a ils h a m , t h e fact t h a t we k n ew a n dre m e m bered t h i n gs n o o n e else did. It's ever si n ce t h e n , I s u p pose, I st a rtedsee k i ng o u t for m y do n ors people fro m t h e p ast, a n d w h e n ever I co u ld, peoplefro m H a ils h a m .T h ere h ave bee n ti m es over t h e yea rs w h e n I've t ried to leave H a ils h a mb e h i n d , w h e n I've told m yself I s h o u l d n't loo k b ac k so m u c h . B u t t h e n t h ereca m e a p oi n t w h e n I j u st stop ped resisti ng. It h a d to do wit h t h is p a rtic u la rdo n or I h a d o n ce, i n m y t h ir d ye a r as a ca rer; it w as h is re a ctio n w h e n Im e n tio n ed I w as fro m H a ils h a m . H e'd j u st com e t h ro u g h h is t h ir d do n a tio n ,it h a d n't go n e well, a n d h e m u st h ave k n ow n h e w a s n't goi n g to m a k e it. H eco u ld h a r d ly b rea t h e, b u t h e loo k ed tow a r ds m e a n d said: “ H ails h a m . I bett h a t w as a be a u tif u l place.” T h e n t h e n ex t m or n i n g, w h e n I w as m a k i n gco n versa tio n to k eep h is m i n d off it a ll, a n d I as k ed w h ere h e'd grow n u p, h em e n tio n ed som e place i n D orset a n d h is face be n e a t h t h e blotc h es we n t i n toa co m pletely n ew k i n d of gri m ace. A n d I realised t h e n h ow desper a tely h ed i d n't w a n t re m i n ded. I n stea d, h e w a n ted to h e a r a bo u t H a ils h a m .So over t h e n ex t five or six d a ys, I told h i m w h a tever h e w a n ted to k n ow, a n d h e'd lie t h ere, a ll h oo k ed u p, a ge n tle s m ile b re a k i ng t h ro u g h . H e'd as k m ea bo u t t h e b ig t h i n gs a n d t h e lit tle t h i n gs. A bo u t o u r g u a r di a n s, a bo u t h owwe eac h h a d o u r ow n collectio n c h ests u n der o u r beds, t h e foot b a ll, t h ero u n ders, t h e little p a t h t h a t too k yo u a ll ro u n d t h e o u tside of t h e m a i nh o u se, ro u n d a ll its n oo k s a n d cr a n n ies, t h e d u c k po n d, t h e food, t h e viewfro m t h e A r t Roo m over t h e fields o n a foggy m or n i n g. So m eti m es h e'd m a k em e s a y t h i n gs over a n d over; t h i n gs I'd told h i m o n l y t h e d a y before, h e'd as ka bo u t li k e I'd n ever told h i m . “ D id yo u h ave a sports p a vilio n?” “W h ic hg u a r di a n w as yo u r special favo u rite?” A t first I t h o u g h t t h is w as j u st t h ed r u gs, b u t t h e n I realised h is m i n d w as clea r e n o u g h . W h a t h e w a n ted w asn ot j u st to h e a r a bo u t H a ils h a m , b u t to re m e m ber H a ils h a m , j u st li k e it h a dbee n h is ow n c h il d h ood . H e k n ew h e w as close to co m pleti ng a n d so t h a t'sw h a t h e w as doi n g: get ti n g m e to describe t h i n gs to h i m , so t h ey'd re a lly si n ki n , so t h a t m a y be d u r i n g t h ose sleepless n ig h ts, wit h t h e d r u gs a n d t h e p a i na n d t h e ex h a u stio n , t h e li n e wo u ld bl u r betwee n w h a t were m y m e m ories a n dw h a t were h is. T h a t w as w h e n I first u n derstood, re a lly u n derstood, j u st h owl u c k y we'd bee n–To m m y, R u t h , me, a ll t h e rest of u s.D rivi n g a ro u n d t h e co u n t ry n ow, I still see t h i n gs t h a t will re m i n d m e ofH a ils h a m . I m ig h t p ass t h e cor n er of a m isty field, or see p a r t of a l a rge h o u sei n t h e dist a n ce as I com e dow n t h e side of a v a lley, eve n a p a rtic u la ra r r a nge m e n t of popl a r trees u p o n a h illside, a n d I'll t h i n k : “M a y be t h a t's it!I've fo u n d it! T h is a ct u a lly is H a ils h a m!” T h e n I see it's i m possible a n d I go o nd rivi n g, m y t h o u g h ts d rifti n g o n elsew h ere. I n p a rtic u la r, t h ere are t h osep a vilio n s. I spot t h e m a ll over t h e co u n t ry, st a n d i n g o n t h e far side of p l a yi n gfields, little w h ite p refa b b u il d i n gs wit h a row of wi n dows u n n a t u r a lly h ig hu p, t u c k ed al most u n der t h e eaves. I t h i n k t h ey b u ilt a w h ole lot li k e t h a t i nt h e fifties a n d sixties, w h ic h is p rob a bly w h e n o u rs w as p u t u p. If I drive p asto n e I k eep loo k i n g over to it for as lo n g as possible, a n d o n e d a y I'll cr as h t h ecar li k e t h a t, b u t I k eep d oi n g it. Not lo n g ago I w as d rivi n g t h ro u g h a n e m p tystretc h of Worcesters h ire a n d sa w o n e beside a cric k et gro u n d so li k e o u rs a tH a ils h a m I a ct u a lly t u r n ed t h e car a n d we n t b ac k for a secon d loo k .We loved o u r sports p a vilio n , m a y be beca u se it re m i n ded u s of t h ose sweetlittle cott ages people alw a ys h a d i n pict u re boo k s w h e n we were yo u n g. I c a nre m e m ber u s b ac k i n t h e J u n iors, p le a d i n g wit h g u a r di a n s to h ol d t h e n ex tlesso n i n t h e p a vilio n i n ste a d of t h e u s u a l roo m . T h e n b y t h e ti m e we were i nSe n ior 2–w h e n we were twelve, goi n g o n t h ir tee n–t h e p a vilio n h a d becom e t h eplace to h ide o u t wit h yo u r best frie n ds w h e n yo u w a n ted to get a w ay fro mt h e rest of H a ils h a m .T he p a vilio n w as b ig e n o u g h to t a k e two sep a r a te gro u ps wit h o u t t h e m
