Libretto copyright © 2011 by Jason Robert BrownMusic and lyrics copyright © 2002 by Semolina Farfalle MusicAll rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in anyform, without written permission, except by a newspaper ormagazine reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages inconnection with a review.Published in 2011 by Applause Theatre & Cinema BooksAn Imprint of Hal Leonard Corporation7777 West Bluemound RoadMilwaukee, WI 53213Trade Book Division Editorial Offices33 Plymouth St., Montclair, NJ 07042Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this material,being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United Statesof America and all other countries of the Berne and UniversalCopyright Conventions, is subject to a royalty. All rights,including, but not limited to, professional, amateur, recording,motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio andtelevision broadcasting, and the rights of translation into foreignlanguages are expressly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed onthe matter of readings and all uses of this play by educationalinstitutions, permission for which must be secured from theauthor’s representatives. All inquiries regarding stock and amateurrights should be addressed to Music Theatre International, 421West 54th St., New York, NY 10019. All other inquiries should be addressed to the author’s legal representative: Jason Robert Brown,c/o Mark Sendroff, Sendroff & Baruch, LLP, 1500 Broadway, Suite2001, New York, NY 10036.All photographs © Joan MarcusPrinted in the United States of AmericaBook design by Mark LernerLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataBrown, Jason Robert.[Last 5 years. Libretto]The last five years: the complete book and lyrics of the musical /book, music and lyrics by Jason Robert Brown.p. cm.97814768505731. Musicals--Librettos. I. Title.MLS0.B878L372011782.1’40268--dc222011007610www.applausepub.com T a b l e o f C o n t e n t sScene 1 Still HurtingScene 2 Shiksa GoddessScene 3 See I’m SmilingScene 4 Moving Too FastScene 5 A Part Of ThatScene 6 The Schmuel SongScene 7 A Summer In OhioScene 8 The Next Ten MinutesScene 9 A Miracle Would HappenScene 10 Climbing UphillScene 11 If I Didn’t Believe In YouScene 12 I Can Do Better Than ThatScene 13 Nobody Needs To KnowScene 14 Goodbye Until Tomorrow/ I Could Never Rescue You P R E F A C EI was walking to Lincoln Center Theater from my apartment on West 94thStreet and I had no idea what I was going to say at the meeting. ThomasCott had invited me to his office to talk about a commission for my nextplay, and he was expecting me to tell him about it. As I crossed 69th Street,an idea wandered gingerly into my mind, and luckily, I knew enough tograb on to it. By the time I walked three more blocks to Tom’s office, I hadsketched out the entire structure of The Last Five Years.The less grandiose version is that I knew a couple of things before Istarted walking. Six months before, my musical Parade had opened atLincoln Center Theater after four brutally hard (if thrilling) years ofwriting; and then it closed there less than three months later. I wasdetermined that my next piece would be different from Parade in twoimportant respects: first, I wanted it to be small in scale-two actors, so thatit could be performed in any size theater, or even a concert hall or cabaret;and second, I wanted the songs to feel like, well, songs-one person having acomplete musical moment, like a track on an album, without needingdialogue to tell the story. But who were these two people and what werethey singing about? And if each song was essentially going to be a solo,then how did they interact?The idea of writing a love story came simply enough; it seemed naturalfor a man and a woman to share the stage and tell the story of theirrelationship. But then I realized that if they were telling that story, then therelationship must be over. That explained why they weren’t both singing atthe same time. How to tell that story, though, without the piece becomingmore and more relentlessly depressing as the evening went on? Wouldn’tthe whole second half of the show be nothing but morbid ballads?That’s when I hit 69th Street. What occurred to me was that She(whoever she was) had to start at the end of the relationship, and He(whoever he was) had to start at the beginning. And over the course of theevening, their timelines would completely cross, so that the show endedwith him saying goodbye and her on the first date. That middle point, I realized, had to be their wedding, the one and only moment in the showwhen they would both be in the same moment onstage at the same time.It’s a peculiar truth that when I was coming up with all this on my walk, Iwasn’t thinking about my own life at all. Even though I was at that verymoment embroiled in a terribly sad and bitter divorce, it didn’t occur to methat the travails of this fictional couple I was choosing to create might endup overlapping substantially with the facts of my own first marriage. I evenwrote the first song of the show without knowing specifically who thesecharacters were—that song, “Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could NeverRescue You,” is still in the show, more or less unchanged from what I wroteon June 15, 1999.For the most part, I wrote the show from the outside in, always knowingthat the wedding would be the last thing I wrote. (Turned out it wasn’t.) Inthe course of bringing Jamie and Cathy to life, I felt myself exorcising thedemons of my marriage, and certain clearly discernible facets of my and myex-wife’s personalities crept into these characters. It felt important to me tolet those things be part of the writing-so much of the process of gettingdivorced seemed to be focused on blame and anger and money, and yetwriting this show was about having faith that two people who loved eachother could do the wrong things for the right reasons.The Last Five Years changed my life in a great many ways. As a writer,the intensity and compactness of the form really forced me to strip mymusic and lyrics down to their essence—I feel like my work before TheLast Five Years is occasionally gimmicky “tricky,” but I knew I couldn’t getaway with that on this show. In a way, it’s my first grown-up piece. Andpersonally, the process of experiencing the full arc of my marriage througha writer’s eyes was considerably valuable in helping me heal, allowing meto close that chapter of my life with a sense of equanimity and move on to awiser, more honest understanding of who I was and what I wanted amarriage and a family to be.I’m grateful to discover that the show isn’t really mine anymore. Whenthe show is performed in Arkansas, in Mexico, in Korea, the audiencesthere aren’t watching a thinly veiled version of me; they’re watching Jamieand Cathy, and they’re connecting to their struggle to love each other and find their own way as artists and people. Over the course of the decade,Jamie and Cathy have stood in for countless members of those audiences,and I hope they have given them the same comfort and closure that theygave me. I think they’re good kids, you know. They made some mistakes,but they made them because they believed that loving each other was goingto fix any problem that came along. It didn’t, it doesn’t. That doesn’t meanthey shouldn’t have tried.—Jason Robert BrownLos Angeles, CaliforniaFebruary 2011 The Last Five Years was first presented by Northlight Theatre (B.J. Jones,artistic director, Richard Friedman, executive director) at the North ShoreCenter for the Performing Arts, Skokie, Illinois, on May 23, 2001. Set andcostumes by Beowulf Boritt, lighting by Christine Binder, sound by RobMilburn and Ray Nardelli, casting by Mark Simon, musical direction byThomas Murray, and direction by Daisy Prince. The cast was as follows:JAMIE WELLERSTEIN Norbert Leo ButzCATHERINE HIATT Lauren KennedyThe stage manager was Patty Lyons.The first New York production was presented by Marty Bell and ArielleTepper, in association with Libby Adler Mages/Mari Glick and Rose/LandProductions, at the Minetta Lane Theater on February 11, 2002. Thedesigners were the same as the Chicago production, except the sounddesigner, Duncan Edwards. The role of CATHERINE was played by SherieRene Scott. S C E N E 1S T I L L H U R T I N GNew York City at the end of the twentieth century. CATHERINEis discovered. She wears a wedding ring. She is turning anobject over and over in her hand—it is a man’s wedding ringthat matches hers. There is a note written on a yellow pad on thetable—she has read it a number of times.CATHERINEJamie is over and Jamie is gone.Jamie’s decided it’s time to move on.Jamie has new dreams he’s building upon,And I’m still hurting.Jamie arrived at the end of the line.Jamie’s convinced that the problems are mine.Jamie is probably feeling just fine,And I’m still hurting.What about lies, Jamie?What about thingsThat you swore to be true?What about you, Jamie?What about you?Jamie is sure something wonderful died.Jamie decides it’s his right to decide. Jamie’s got secrets he doesn’t confide,And I’m still hurting.Go and hide and run away!Run away, run and find something better!Go and ride the sun away!Run away, like it’s simple,Like it’s right. . .JAMIE enters—he’s not wearing a wedding ring.CATHERINE does not see him. It is five years earlierthan the scene in CATHERINE ’s room— JAMIE is atthe beginning of the relationship, and CATHERINE,across the stage, is at the end.Give me a day, Jamie!Bring back the lies,Hang them back on the wall!Maybe I’d seeHow you could beSo certain that weHad no chance at all.Jamie is over and where can I turn?Covered with scars I did nothing to earn?Maybe there’s somewhere a lesson to learn,But that wouldn’t change the fact,That wouldn’t speed the time,Once the foundation’s crackedAnd I’mStill hurting. The lights fade out on her and become stronger onJAMIE across the stage. S C E N E 2S H I K S A G O D D E S SJAMIE is saying goodbye to CATHERINE at the end of theirfirst date.JAMIEI’m breaking my mother’s heart.The longer I stand looking at you,The more I hear it splinter and crackFrom ninety miles away.I’m breaking my mother’s heart.The JCC of Spring Valley is shakingAnd crumbling to the ground,And my grandfather’s rolling,Rolling in his grave.If you had a tattoo, that wouldn’t matter.If you had a shaved head, that would be cool.If you came from Spain or JapanOr the back of a van—Just as long as you’re not from Hebrew school—I’d say, “Now I’m getting somewhere!I’m finally breaking through!”I’d say, “Hey! Hey! Shiksa goddess!I’ve been waiting for someone like you.” A couple of days later. JAMIE is on the phone withCATHERINE.I’ve been waiting through Danica Schwartz and Erica WeissAnd the Handelman twins.I’ve been waiting through Heather Greenblatt, Annie Mincus,Karen Pincus, and Lisa Katz.And Stacy Rosen, Ellen Kaplan, Julie Silber, and Janie Stein.I’ve had Shabbas dinners on Friday nightsWith every Shapiro in Washington Heights,But the minute I first met youI could barely catch my breath.I’ve been standing for days with the phone in my hand,Like an idiot, scared to death.I’ve been wand’ring through the desert!I’ve been beaten, I’ve been hit!My people have suffered for thousands of yearsAnd I don’t give a shit!If you had a pierced tongue, that wouldn’t matter.If you once were in jail or you once were a man,If your mother and your brother had “relations” with each otherAnd your father was connected to the Gotti clan,I’d say, “Well, nobody’s perfect!”It’s tragic but it’s true.I’d say, “Hey! Hey! Shiksa goddess!I’ve been waiting for someone like. . .”He hangs up the phone—maybe they are walkingtogether through the park. You, breaking the circle,You, taking the light.You, you are the story I should write—I have to write!If you drove an R.V., that wouldn’t matter!If you like to drink blood, I think it’s cute.If you’ve got a powerful connection to your firearm collection,I say, Draw a bead and shoot!I’m your Hebrew slave, at your service!Just tell me what to do!I say, Hey, hey, hey, hey!I’ve been waiting for someone,I’ve been praying for someone,I think that I could be in love with someoneLike you!Blackout. S C E N E 3S E E I ’ M S M I L I N GThree months before Scene 1. CATHERINE is sitting at the endof a pier by the river in Ohio—JAMIE has come, somewhatunexpectedly, for a visit. Over her dress she wears a sweaterthat’s a little too small and not the right color.CATHERINEI guess I can’t believe you really cameAnd that we’re sitting on this pier.See, I’m smiling—That means I’m happy that you’re here.I stole this sweater from the costume shop—It makes me look like Daisy Mae.See, we’re laughing—I think we’re gonna be okay.I mean, we’ll have to try a little harderAnd bend things to and froTo make this love as specialAs it was five years ago.I mean, you made it to Ohio!Who knows where else we can go?I think you’re really gonna like this show.I’m pretty sure it doesn’t suck. See, you’re laughing, and I’m smiling,By a river in OhioAnd you’re mine. . .We’re doing fine.Five years earlier, just after their first date—Lights upon JAMIE, on the phone in his studio apartment, alittle nervous, calling a literary agent.JAMIE Hi, I’m calling for Ms. Whitfield. Yeah, my name is JamieWellerstein, and my professor at Columbia said he had called and. . .Yeah, Dr. Adler. Right. Oh, yeah, I mean, it’s just a draft, but I think it’s,you know, getting to. . . whatever. Well, look, I don’t know from agents,Dr. Adler just suggested. . . Okay. Should I drop it off in person or. . .Um, yeah, I’ll drop it in the mail then, that’s great. No, that’s great, thankyou. What’s your address?Lights down on JAMIE.CATHERINEI think we both can see what could be better—I’ll own when I was wrong.With all we’ve had to go through,We’ll end up twice as strong.And so we’ll start again this weekend,And just keep rolling along. . . Her face falls—JAMIE has just told her he’ll beleaving tomorrow.I didn’t know you had to go so soon.I thought we had a little time. . .Look, whatever, if you have to,Then you have to, so whatever.It’s all right—We’ll have tonight.Back to JAMIE, a couple of weeks later. Lights up ashe picks up the phone.JAMIE Hello? This is. Oh, Ms. Whitfield, it’s a pleasure to hear from you.And a surprise. Oh, you read it. Great, that’s. . . Thank you so much, thatmeans a lot to me. Yes, I really am twenty-three. Sure, whenever isconvenient. Tuesday, good, nine o’clock, I’m there. I’m really lookingforward to meeting you, Ms. Whitfield. Okay, Linda, thank you. Thankyou, this is great.Lights down as he hangs up.CATHERINEYou know what makes me crazy?I’m sorry, can I say this? You know what makes me nuts?The fact that we could be together,Here together,Sharing our night, spending our time,And you are gonna choose someone else to be with—no, youare.Yes, Jamie, that’s exactly what you’re doing:You could be here with me,Or be there with them—As usual, guess which you pick!No, Jamie, you do not have to go to another partyWith the same twenty jerks you already know.You could stay with your wife on her fucking birthdayAnd you could, God forbid, even see my show.And I know in your soul it must drive you crazyThat you won’t get to play with your little girlfriends—No I’m not, no I’m not!—and the point is, Jamie,That you can’t spend a single dayThat’s not aboutYou and you and nothing but you.“Mahvelous” novelist, you!Isn’t he wonderful, just twenty-eight!The savior of writing!You and you and nothing but you—Miles and piles of you,Pushing through windows and bursting through wallsEn route to the sky!And I. . .I swear to God I’ll never understandHow you can stand there, straight and tall, And see I’m crying,And not do anything at all. . .The lights start to rise on JAMIE’s side. He looksperplexed but not unhappy, as he dials. The lights stayup on CATHERINE for a bit, while she continues tocry, then fade during JAMIE’s call.JAMIE Rob? Yeah, listen. You know how my lease is up? You know how Iwant to get a new apartment? What if I said I was gonna get one withCathy? Rob? Yeah, I’ll meet you there in five minutes. S C E N E 4M O V I N G T O O F A S TJAMIEDid I just hear an alarm start ringing?Did I see sirens go flying past?Though I don’t know what tomorrow’s bringing,I’ve got a singular impression things are moving too fast.I’m gliding smooth as a figure skater,I’m riding hot as a rocket blast—I just expected it ten years later.I’ve got a singular impression things are moving too fast.And you say, “Oh, no,Step on the brakes,Do whatever it takes,But stop this train!Slow, slow! The light’s turning red!”But I say, “No! No!Whatever I do,I barrel on through,And I don’t complain.No matter what I try, I’m flyin’ full speed ahead!”I’m never worried to walk the wire.I won’t do anything just half-assed,But with the stakes getting somewhat higher,I’ve got a singular impression things are moving too fast. I found a woman I love,And I found an agent who loves me—Things might get bumpy, butSome people analyze ev’ry detail,Some people stall when they can’t see the trail,Some people freeze out of fear that they’ll fail,But I keep rollin’ on.Some people can’t get success with their art,Some people never feel love in their heart,Some people can’t tell the two things apart,But I keep rollin’ on.Oh, oh—maybe I can’t follow through,But oh, oh—what else am I s’pposed to do?The lights come up on CATHERINE, making a call.Throughout the call, she is very consciously using her“professional” voice.CATHERINE Hello, this is Catherine Hiatt, I’m calling for Mike Stelmyer—thank you. [She’s on hold.] Hi, Mike, it’s Cathy Hiatt—no, this won’tbe long, I’m sorry if I’m interrupting. Well, two things—I was checkingto make sure you got the reviews I sent from this summer—yes, I gotsome nice notices from the local papers. I thought you would enjoy them.Okay, well, I can send out another set of those, sure. Right, well, theother thing was just, you know, checking in, seeing if you saw anythingyou wanted to send me in for, I feel like I’m in a really good place rightnow. . . Yes. Yes, I certainly will, as soon as I’m doing something in the city, I will make sure I let you know. . . Oh, okay, I understand. Thanksfor taking the time, Mike—I’ll call you soon!She holds the phone for a minute, trying not to feel rejected,then puts it on its cradle. Lights down on CATHERINE.JAMIEI dreamed of writing like the high and mighty—Now I’m the subject of a bidding war!I met my personal Aphrodite—I’m doing things I never dreamed of before!We start to take the next step together—Found an apartment on Seventy-third!The Atlantic Monthly’s printing my first chapter—Two thousand bucks without rewriting one word!I left Columbia and don’t regret it—I wrote a book and Sonny Mehta read it!My heart’s been stolen!My ego’s swollen!I just keep rollin’ along!And I think, “Well, well, what else is in store?Got all this and moreBefore twenty-four!”It’s hard not to be sure I’m spinning out of control!Out of control! I’m feeling panicked and rushed and hurried!I’m feeling outmaneuvered and outclassed,But I’m so happy I can’t get worriedAbout this singular impression—I’ve got a singular impression things are moving too fast!Blackout. S C E N E 5A P A R T O F T H A TEight months before Scene 3. A book-signing party for JAMIE’sjust-released novel. CATHERINE is sitting idly next to a pile ofJamie’s books while JAMIE signs them. Someone has asked herwhat it’s like being married to JAMIE.CATHERINEOne day we’re just likeLeave It to Beaver.One day it’s just aTypical life,And then he’s off onA trip to Jamie-land:Staring catatonic out the window,Barely even breathing all the while. . .And then he’ll smile,His eyes light up, and deep within the ground,Without a sound,A moment comes to life,And I’m a part of that.I’m a part of that.I’m a part of that.Next day it’s just likeIt never happened—We’re making dinners, We’re making plans.Then he gets on theMule train to Jamie-land:Handful after handful of Doritos,Circling the apartment, logging miles. . .And then he smiles,His eyes light up, and how can I complain?Yes, he’s insane,But look what he can do,And I’m a part of that.I’m a part of that.I’m a part of that. . .And it’s true,I tend to follow in his stride,Instead of side by side,I take his cue.True, but there’s no question, there’s no doubt—I said I’d stick it outAnd follow through,And when I do—Then he smiles,And where else can I go?I didn’t knowThe rules do not apply.And then he smiles,And nothing else makes senseWhile he inventsThe world that’s passing by,And I’m a part of that.I’m a part of that.I’m a part of that,Aren’t I? I’m a part of that,I’m a part of that.I’m a part of that.At some point, she picked up a book—now she starts togive the book back, looks briefly at the dedicationpage, then quickly closes the book and hands it over. S C E N E 6T H E S C H M U E L S O N GTheir second Christmas together. JAMIE hits a switch and thelights on the Christmas tree are illuminated. JAMIE has a smallgift-wrapped box in his hand. He holds it out towardCATHERINE, then mischievously takes it back.JAMIE Ah! First, a story. New and unpublished. A little Christmas story. Icall it “The Story of Schmuel, Tailor of Klimovich.” Merry Christmas.He pulls a pad out of his back pocket—it is absolutely coveredwith scribbles and would be completely indecipherable toanyone but JAMIE himself. He clears his throatmelodramatically and begins to read.Schmuel would work’til half-past ten at his tailor shop in Klimovich,Get up at dawn and start again with the hems and pins and twist.Forty-one years had come and gone at his tailor shop in Klimovich.Watching the winters soldier on, there was one thing Schmuel missed.“If I only had time,” old Schmuel said,“I would build the dress that’s in my head,A dress to fireThe mad desireOf girls from here to Minsk,But I have no more hours left to sew”Then the clock upon the wall began to glow. . . And the clock said:“Na na na na, na na na,Oh, Schmuel, you’ll get to be happy!Na na na na, na na na,I give you unlimited time!Na na na na, na na na,So, Schmuel, go sew and be happy!”But Schmuel said, “No, no, it’s not my lot—I’ve gotta make do with the time I’ve got.”Schmuel was done at half-past ten and he said, “Good night, oldKlimovich,”Put on his coat to go, but then the clock cried, “Wait! Not yet!Even though you’re not wise or rich, you’re the finest man in Klimovich!Listen up, Schmuel—make one stitch and you’ll see what you can get!”But Schmuel said, “Clock, it’s much too late.I’m at peace with life, I accept my fate. . .”But the clock said, “Schmuel!One stitch and you willUnlock the dreams you’ve lost!”So Schmuel, with reluctance, took his thread.He pulled a bolt of velvet and he said:“I should take out my teeth and go to bed,I’m sitting here with talking clocks instead!”And the clock said:“Na na na na, na na na,Oh, Schmuel, you’ll get to be happy!Na na na na, na na na, I give you unlimited time!Na na na na, na na na,Just do it and you can be happy!”So Schmuel put the thread through the needle’s eyeAnd the moon stared down from a starless sky,And he pushed the thread through the velvet blackAnd he looked, and the clock was turning. . . back!So he grabbed his shears and he cut some laceAs the hands reversed on the old clock’s face!And his fingers flew and the fabric swirled—It was nine-fifteen all around the world!Ev‘ry cut and stitch was a perfect fit,As if God Himself were controlling it!And Schmuel cried, through a rush of tears,“Take me back! Take me back all forty-one years!”And on it went, down that silent street,‘Til Schmuel’s dress was at last complete,And he stretched his arms, and he closed his eyes,And the morning sun finally started to rise.And the dress he made on that endless nightWas a dress that would make any soul take flight!Not a swatch, not a skein had gone to waste—Ev’ry ribbon and button ideally placed,And sewn into the seamsWere forty-one seasons of dreamsDreams that you could feelComing real. And that very dress, so the papers swore,Was the dress a girl in Odessa woreOn the day she promised forevermoreTo love a young man named SchmuelWho only one day beforeHad knocked at her kitchen door.Finished with the story, he puts the pad back in his pocket andtakes out the little box again.Plenty have hoped and dreamed and prayed, but they can’t get out ofKlimovich.If Schmuel had been a cute goyishe maid, he’d’ve looked a lot like you.Maybe it’s just that you’re afraid to go out onto a limb-ovich.Maybe your heart’s completely swayed, but your head can’t follow through.But shouldn’t I want the world to seeThe brilliant girl who inspires me?Don’t you think that now’s a good time to beThe ambitious freak you are?Say goodbye to wiping ashtrays at the bar!Say hello to Cathy Hiatt, big-time star!’Cause I say:Na na na na, na na na naCathy, you get to be happy!Na na na na, na na naI give you unlimited time!Na na na na, na na naStop temping and go and be happy! He pulls a magazine and a business card from his back pocket.Here’s a headshot guy and a new BackStage,Where you’re right for something on ev’ry page—Take a breath,Take a step,Take a chance. . .And now he opens the top half of the little box and takes out alovely watch.Take your time.Have I mentioned todayHow lucky I amTo be in love with you?The lights fade. S C E N E 7A S U M M E R I N O H I OSix months before Scene 5. CATHERINE, writing a letter toJAMIE.CATHERINEI could have a mansion on a hill.I could lease a villa in Seville,But it wouldn’t be as niceAs a summer in OhioWith a gay midget named KarlPlaying Tevye and Porgy.I could wander Paris after dark,Take a carriage ride through Central Park,But it wouldn’t be as niceAs a summer in Ohio,Where I’m sharing a roomWith a “former” stripper and her snake:Wayne.I could have a satchel full of dollar bills,Cures for all the nation’s ills,Pills to make a lion purr;I could be in line to be the British Queen,Look like I was seventeen,Still I’m certain I’d prefer To be going slowly battyForty miles east of Cincinnati.I could shove an ice pick in my eye,I could eat some fish from last July,But it wouldn’t be as awfulAs a summer in OhioWithout cable, hot water,Vietnamese food,Or you.I saw your book at a Borders in KentuckyUnder a sign that said “New and Recommended.”I stole a look at your picture on the inside sleeve,And then I couldn’t leave.Richard, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet,Then he said, “All things considered, I guess you don’t have tobuy it.”So I smiled like Mona Lisa and I lay my Visa down!He wants me, he wants me,But he ain’t gonna get me!I’ve found my guiding light—I tell the stars each night:“Look at me! Look at him! Son of a bitch!I guess I’m doing something right!I finally got something right!”No, it’s not Nirvana, but it’s on the way.I play Anita at the matinee,Then I’ll get on my knees and prayI can state in my next bio:I’m never gonna go back to Ohio! I could chew on tin foil for a spell!I could get a root canal in Hell,But it wouldn’t be as swellAs this summer is gonna be!’Cause the torture is just exquisiteWhile I’m waiting for you to visit,So hurry up, schmuck, get unstuck and get on the scene!Love,The Midget, the Stripper, Wayne the SnakeAnd Mrs. Jamie Wellerstein—That’s me!Blackout. S C E N E 8T H E N E X T T E N M I N U T E SJAMIE on a boat on the lake in Central Park, pointing to theapartment buildings on the Upper West Side.JAMIENo, that one’s Jerry Seinfeld.That one’s John Lennon there.No, the Dakota—The San Remo is up a few blocks.Have you been inside the Museum?We should go.Meet the dinosaurs.Cathy.He takes a ring out of his jeans pocket.Will you share your life with meFor the next ten minutes?For the next ten minutes:We can handle that. We could watch the waves,We could watch the sky,Or just sit and waitAs the time ticks by,And if we make it ’til then,Can I ask you againFor another ten?CATHERINE appears, wearing her weddinggown, and walks slowly toward the boat.And if you in turn agreeTo the next ten minutes,And the next ten minutes,’Til the morning comes,Then just holding youMight compel me toAsk you for more.There are so many lives I want to share with you—I will never be complete until I do.JAMIE slides the ring on CATHERINE’sfinger. CATHERINEI am not always on time.Please don’t expect that from me.I will be late,But if you can just wait,I will make it eventually.Not like it’s in my control,Not like I’m proud of the fact,But anything other than being exact-Ly on time, I can do.I don’t know why people run.I don’t know why things fall through.I don’t know how anybody survives in this lifeWithout someone like you.I could protect and preserve,I could say no and goodbye,But why, Jamie, why?I want to be your wife.I want to bear your child.I want to dieKnowing IHad a long, full life in your arms.That I can do,Forever, with you. They are standing at the altar together, lookingdirectly at each other for the first time in the play.JAMIE CATHERINEWill you share yourlife with me Forever.For the next tenlifetimes? Forever, Jamie. . .For a million summersBOTH‘Til the world explodes,’Til there’s no one leftWho has ever known us apart!JAMIE CATHERINEThere are so manydreams I need to seeWith you There are so many years I need to beI will never becomplete— With you. . .CATHERINEI will never be alive—JAMIEI will never change the worldUntil I do.CATHERINEI do.JAMIEI do.CATHERINE I do.BOTHI do. . .And they kiss, each holding on for as long as possible,as if perhaps they knew they didn’t have that long togo.The orchestra plays a waltz, which they clumsilydance. He whispers something in her ear, she laughsand kisses him again. The waltz ends, and JAMIEtakes CATHERINE’s hand as she steps into therowboat. As it starts to glide upstage, JAMIE standsand watches it go. CATHERINE looks across the boatas though JAMIE were in the other seat.CATHERINEIs that one John Lennon?That’s the San Remo.Isn’t that the Museum?Can we go see the dinosaurs?The lights fade. S C E N E 9A M I R A C L E W O U L D H A P P E NFour months after the wedding. JAMIE is at a bar talking to afriend.JAMIEEveryone tells you that the minute you get married,Every other woman in the world suddenly finds you attractive.Well, that’s not true.It only affects the kind of women you always wanted to sleepwith,But they wouldn’t give you the time of day before,And now they’re banging down your doorAnd falling to their knees. . .At least that’s what it feels like because youCanNotTouchThem.In fact, you can’t even look at them—Close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes.Except you’re sitting there,Eating your corned beef sandwich,And all of sudden this pair of breasts walks by and smiles atyou,And you’re like, “That’s not fair!” And in a perfect world,A miracle would happen,And every other girl would fly away,And it’d be me and Cathy,And nothing else would matter—But it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine,I mean, I’m happyAnd I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine—It’s not a problem, it’s just a challenge—It’s a challenge to resist Temptation.And I have to say that what exacerbates the problemIs I’m at these parties, I’m the center of attention, I’m the grandfromage,And here she comes:“Let’s get a cup of coffee.Will you look at my manuscript?”And I’m showing her my left hand,I’m gesticulating with my left hand,And then whoomp! There’s Cathy!’Cause she knows—they always know—And there’s that really awkward momentWhere I try to show I wasn’t encouraging this,(Which of course I sort of was),And I don’t want to look whipped in front of this woman,Which is dumb, I shouldn’t care what she thinksSince I can’t fuck her anyway!And in a perfect world,A miracle would happenAnd every girl would look like Mister Ed,And it’d be me and Cathy,And nothing else would matter.But it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine,You know I love herAnd it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine— It’s what I wantedAnd I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine!It’s not a problem, it’s just a challenge—It’s a challenge to resist Temptation.CATHERINE sings “When You Come Home to Me,”simply and perfectly—it is her final audition for thejob in Ohio.CATHERINEWHEN YOU COME HOME TO ME,I’LL WEAR A SWEETER SMILEAND HOPE THAT, FOR A WHILE, YOU’LL STAY.WHEN YOU COME HOME TO ME,YOUR HAND WILL TOUCH MY FACEAND BANISH ANY TRACE OF GRAY.SOON, A LOVE WILL RISE ANEWEVEN GREATER THAN THE JOY I FELTJUST MISSING YOU,AND ONCE AGAIN, I’LL BESO PROUD TO CALL YOU MINE,WHEN FINALLY YOU COME HOMETO ME.She smiles when she is done—she knows she got thejob. JAMIE is on the phone to CATHERINE.JAMIEI’ll be there soon, Cathy—I’ll finish up this chapter and be out the door.I swear I’ll be there soon, Cathy—Don’t give up on me yet.I am so proud of you, baby—You’re doing what you never got to do before—And I will be there, ripe and crawling,If fuckin’ Random House stops calling.Don’t lose faith—Don’t get down,Don’t despair:I’ll be there!And in a perfect world,A miracle would happen,And that day would finally be here.And it’d be me and you,Riding it together,And the things we doGoin’ like we planned.We’re gonna make it through, “I didn’t know you had to go so soon. /I thoughtwe had a little time . . . /Look, Whatever, if you have to, /Then you have to, so whatever.”Sherie Rene Scott and Norbert Leo Butz in “SeeI’m Smiling.” “My heart’s been stolen! /My egoe’s swollen! /I justkeep rollin’ along!” Norbert Leo Butz in “Moving TooFast.” “And then he smiles, /His eyes light up, and how can Icomplain? /Yes, he’s insane, / But look what he cando.”Sherie Rene Scott in “A Part of That.” “Ev’ry cut and stitch was a perfect fit, /As if GodHimself were controlling it!/ And Schmuel cried,through a rush of tears, /‘Take me back! Take me backall forty-one ’Norbert Leo Butz in “The Schmuel Song:” “There are so many lives I want to share with you- /Iwill never be complete until I do:”Sherie Rene Scott and a Norbert Leo Butz in “TheNext Ten Minutes”