Today I feel gray. People think that gray is a color of eternal griefor sadness. To me it is a color of just pure bleak, tired,emotionless, meaningless life. Sad is blue. I am not blue. I rarelyam. Blue is a cover up. When I am,I wish I weren’t. Usually I amred. A reckless spirit and mind. An angry color Violent. A color ofhidden hurting And non-answered prayers and questions. And no oneseems to be listening to me. Even though I see their lips moving,my ego takes over and fills my ears and I can’t hear. Years offeeling these fears that will never go away. I enjoy being feared.It makes me feel powerful, youthful and useful. It crushes thefears I have or had. but when the high is over, I return to gray.Weak, powerless, helpless, heartless. And all the fears come back.Like a tsunami. Big, powerful, unpredictable, uncontrollable. I amsinking in this feeling that my life has no meaning but I hear theangels singing on the radio. and I’m trudging along endlessly in thismess of a world and my mental state is a nightmare and I’mdrowning in these pills and it kills me to see myself raking wateruphill in the rain and you know, people think I don’t care but reallywhat they don’t see is a part of me so deep inside you’ll drownbefore the knots untie and let you in you’ll be surprised and howmuch I do. Steal and lie. And lie in bed and cry and deny that mylife is better than some out there and I believe it. But I won’tquit, I won't give up, I will survive, I won't be blinded by my fearsand I won’t be silenced by my guilt and shame. Because it's ashame for those who don’t put on an oxygen tank and dive. Andtake a risk. Just for my sake. And care about me enough to see meas I am. through the cold and hot, the black and white and all theshades of gray.—Kianna Passmore
