I never talk about my parents or I try not to because I just don’t even like the thought of them. I feela lot of my issues with them are really stupid but it’s been going on for as long as I can remember.Long time followers know I have been physically abused a lot because I’ve talked about it before,luckily nothing has happened this year so I’ve been really happy. But every time I’m around them Ican’t help but feel disgusted. I really hate being around them, but I feel bad when I feel disgusted bythem, at least my mom. She got really drunk this one time, she does a lot, but not like this, anywaysshe started crying and begging me to forgive her, and talking about how she is just trying to bebetter than her dad (who abused her whole family) i felt bad, but at the same time I don’t think I’llever be able to forgive her. When I was younger and getting abused by my parents I didn’tunderstand violence was wrong and I was constantly sent to the principals office for hurting otherkids, I don’t like talking about it because I was really mean and was a bit of a bully. But after awhile Iacknowledged my issues and I no longer have anger issues. I would never hurt another person and Iwould never try to. Sometimes I still feel I might still have these issues but definitely not as bad asbefore, how ever my mom never got passed that, I don’t understand how she can’t acknowledgeher problems but at least she reflects on it after and I assume feels guilty. I can’t ever feel empathyfor my dad though. I feel gross even admitting this but I feel so unsafe around him. It’s weird to saybecause I hate the thought of it but I feel just sexualised by him? Idrk anymore. But I can’t turn myback on him,I have zero trust and every time I see he is home on life 360 I genuinely want to shootmyself. Worse I hate being home alone with him. I don’t even know how to view him anymore I justhate being in his presence, he has physically abused me in the past quite badly too. I’m happythough because his job requires him to be away a lot, sometimes for long periods of times. I’m reallythankful for that. I feel ungrateful a lot because I feel I get a lot of opportunities from them, eventhough a lot of the money isn’t theirs and from this stupid trust fund my family has been actuallykilling each other over. It’s stupid and I hate it. Its been going on since my opa died in I think 2016,but I was too young to care or notice since he lived in Germany so I ever only seen him once when Iwas little. I feel stupid because I have a stupid fucked up family.